His & Hers

We had a relaxing day at Starbucks yesterday working on our (okay, HIS) adoption homework.  I have already finished mine for every session.  You can tell whose homework is whose.  :)  I hope they don't send my homework back saying I wrote too much and they can't read it... because my handwriting is terrible!!  Or send Chad's back and say he didn't write enough (That happened in his classes and on his run reports at work one time...) =o)

I SO want to post the outfits I bought yesterday at Target... but I just cannot... I am afraid y'all will think I'm crazy because we don't even know the age, or if they will fit!  But wish you could see 'em.  :)

When we were at Starbucks we ran into someone we know... We found out that he worked for DHS for 15 years... He asked what we were working on, and as soon as we told him we are going through DHS, he asked, "Why DHS?"  I thought, "Oh no...This is not going to be good."  Before I say anything else, I want to say that I definitely appreciate hearing his experience with the kids and families.  He knows better than anyone!  However, I was a little caught off guard by his being so blunt, as he went on and on about how we should adopt from an agency so we can get a "normal" child.  You could tell he was distressed about us adopting from DHS just from his body language and he kept saying, "I don't know.  I can't explain it."  I tried to explain that our trainers have been very honest and don't sugarcoat anything.  They have said when placed in a loving home, these kids start to grow and thrive.  There are still always going to be issues, but they will change for the better one day at a time.  He said the trainers are trying to get all these kids into homes, which is true... but we have learned that they also want the right family for the particular needs of the child.    

This is someone Chad respects and admires, so I could tell Chad was a little discouraged too.  He had enough of the homework that day, so we packed everything up and left.  We did make a little headway on the homework but still a ways to go until he is caught up.  We still look forward to our training on Saturday.  We are learning a lot and praying a lot.  We know God will direct us to the child he has for us.  We are just trusting.             

Here is another song I was looking for last night but couldn't find it.  I think I will make a song page on here, but for now I'll just put it as a post.  This is one song that really hit me, I think it was back in November, when we started talking about adoption more and more.  Really I could "bold" and underline this entire song!

~~~

Sometimes I, I just want to close my eyes and act like everyone's alright when I know they're not
This world needs God, but it's easier to stand and watch
I could pray a prayer and just move on
Like nothing's wrong

But I refuse

I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
I could choose not to move
But I refuse

I can hear the least of these, crying out so desperately
And I know we are the hands and feet of You, oh God
So if You say move, it's time for me to follow through
And do what I was made to do
And show them who You are
 
I refuse to stand and watch the weary and lost cry out for help
I refuse to turn my back and try and act like all is well
I refuse to stay unchanged, to wait another day to die to myself
I refuse to make one more excuse

~ Josh Wilson

This might hurt; it's not safe, but I know I've gotta make a change.
I don't care if I break; at least I'll be feeling something,
because just okay is not enough...

I don't want to go through the motions.
I don't want to go one more day without Your all-consuming passion inside of me.

I don't want to spend my whole life asking, what if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?

~ Matthew West

Home Study #1 - Wednesday, April 20, 2011

(Tried to make this one short, but no luck... Sorry.)


First, Happy Easter!

Our first Home Study was on Wednesday, April 20.  It was a lot easier than I thought it would be.  Whenever we talked with people in our training class and the topic of the Home Study came up, some would "snicker"... Others would say, "You just wait..."  Our worker warned us on the phone, that even though she is a stranger to us and us to her, that she would know our whole life story by the time she left that day.  I feel that she got a good feel for our personalities, backgrounds, and lifestyles, but it felt there was so much more to say!  That is a lot of "life" to cover in just 2 hours!  I was surprised that she wanted somewhat short answers.  When she got enough information she would move onto the next question.  The questions were easy for me, on one hand, because I like my life to be an open book.  Even though I am a shy person, if it were up to me, I would actually tell everyone everything about myself... IF it weren't for others' reactions - physical (facial expressions/body language) and/or comments... I mean, wouldn't we all love to talk about ourselves?  But only if others would approve.  Only if I could read what the other person is REALLY thinking about what I just said.  Only if others would agree, or at least have sympathy/empathy regarding what is on our hearts.  The easy questions were "What are some good, happy childhood memories?"

Answer: Playing barefoot in the woods, climbing trees, playing Hide & Go Seek in the dark!  Riding bikes around the neighborhood - all of these things with Jen and Mandy, of course!  Eating cereal in Mandy's den on Saturday morning... in our diapers... watching Ninja Turtles or Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers with Clark and Payne.  :)

Questions like that were easy.

"Knowing that you can't spank DHS kids, what are methods of discipline will you use?"

That was a harder question.  I know several discipline methods that I have learned and will use, but not having been a parent before, I don't feel "worthy" to answer that question.  These are things Chad and I have been talking about, in preparation.  We have talked about spanking.  Some of the workers have said once the child is adopted, since it is YOUR kid, you can discipline how you want... but I trust DHS that spanking is not the best for these kids, depending on age, depending on what they have been through.  We are honest and admit that we have no clue how to parent.  We joke that we don't know what time to put her to bed!We have heard our friends say that you learn as you go, so that is comforting... but I still always think about others "watching" me parent and I doubt myself.  I have heard that everyone - even strangers - will give you advice on how to parent.  I have heard that you always wonder if you did the right thing, or if you're "messing up" your child.  I have heard that your personal insecurities only get worse when you become a parent - not better!  These are the things I am  not looking forward to.  We need all the encouragement we can get, and we want advice, but we also want to be able to learn on our own too.  

We really love our worker.  She is very friendly and suggested books for us to read.  She didn't doubt us - If she did, I didn't see it.  :)  Anyone read the book "Love and Logic"?  What do you think of it?  What discipline methods do you use?  What time does a 2 or 3 year old go to bed?  

I have started working in the nursery, to get more experience.  I am good with 3 year olds now - I have that age group under my belt now... Teaching 3 year olds with a VERY short attention span how to dance has been a challenge, and I have seen progress - not only in THEM but also in myself as a teacher!  It is very exciting!  I know how to talk to a 3 year old now!  They actually can "reason," which is good for me, because I like to explain things - why not to do something, or why we need to pay attention, etc.  :)  I am working in the nursery with 2 year olds, and they are a handful... They are pretty good when you say, "Now, let's share our toys..."  They took pretty well to that, and I was surprised.  That was really my only issue with them this morning!  Wow!  Yucky story... first dirty diaper was a poopy one.  Too much information, but here we go... It was yellowish/kinda grainy...no solid shape to it LoL  Well, the nursery workers get breakfast Sunday mornings, so I went and got some quish (am I spelling that right?)  It was the color of... Well, you know.  :/  I thought, well it'll taste good if I just don't think about it.  It was grainy...  Okay, never eating quiesh on a Sunday morning again.  Or immediately following changing a diaper.  End of story. 

I was relieved that we wore gloves... "They" (whoever "they" are) didn't do that back in the day...  But you don't really wear gloves when it's your own kid... 

We are moving along QUICKLY!  It is so exciting!  I will be honest and say that because I've been working with 2 year olds, I am really leaning more towards a baby... I don't want to be picky and choosey though.  We went into this desiring to care for a "waiting" child.  I still feel strongly about that, but just not sure about the timing.  I definitely think we will adopt again someday (at least I say that now, because it has been a wonderful experience so far, and I really admire the workers/their friendliness, and even the DHS system itself...Wow, they have an amazing responsibility and take it seriously).  We will probably consider adopting again when we are older and I start to feel more confident/capable to handle a 3 year old, and after we have at least one biological child.  I think if Chad worked in the nursery he would agree and understand what I mean.  :)  Side note... I am thinking 4 kids... never thought I would say that!!  Maybe I will rethink when I have just one, who knows.  :)  Chad thinks 3 kids... and he is leaning more towards a 3 year old, waiting child right now.  I would be okay with that - It's ALL in God's hands and I am trying to trust - but because of my doubts and insecurities (about what other people think!  I'll just be honest about that weakness...) I think I would be better capable of caring for a baby right now.  I feel we would be a good fit for a baby.  Those are just my personal thoughts, so please don't judge me for feeling this way.  

As I started to say, this is all moving along quickly.  I don't know how long it will take us to find a "match" but we are not rushing it.  The part that is going fast is the paperwork and training (only 2 more Saturdays!) and the Home Studies.  We have Home Study #2 (30 minutes more interviewing... and a Home Walk-Through) on Wednesday, May 4 at 2:15.  Our worker is concerned about our fireplace (wood stove) being hot to the touch, so we have to get a heavy duty screen that won't fall over to put over it.  There are several other things on the list but we close to getting them done.  I am just worried about not having the screen in time, since Chad wants to build it... and she said since we're not using it since it's Spring/Summer that it's not really that important right now, but I would rather go the extra step and go ahead and do it to show her we will do it... but I think Chad is going to wait until winter...  I'm a little worried about that.  So, we'll see how it goes.  She didn't seem concerned with anything else like the sheds having doors and locks, so that's good...  We have to get some foam covers for our brick fireplace.  She said to use pool noodles... I'm like, great, Chad is going to buy a bright blue or pink pool noodle!  They don't really come in any colors that match our house!  I would rather buy the pretty $15 foam protectors they sell in the Baby section at Target...except we would need like 3 of them!  :)  We'll see...  

Well, hope you had a Happy Easter!  We did!


Love,
Meg     
    

Week 2 of Training

The first week of training was pretty "light."  It was all about working as a Professional Team (made up of teachers, foster parents, adoptive parents, doctors, DHS, and yes, the birth parents).  Again, I don't know how much we will be working with the birth parent in an adoptive situation when the parental rights have already been terminated, but it was good to get the birthparents' perspective and to prepare for that, just in case. 

This weekend the lessons were about loss and grief and the impact on the child.  It was about the psychological affects on a child who has been through trauma/tragedy, loss, abuse, neglect, etc.  It was a heavier week.  We had to think about the child's losses, the birthparents' losses, and even our own losses.  It really makes you think, wow, there is a lot of loss in the world.  I felt such a sense of urgency to get her home now and thought about how fun it will be to teach her things - life lessons especially.  I know it will be hard.  She will have some behaviors that are tough.  She will have some huge feelings for being such a small person; she will have seen a lot.  But I am excited to talk with her and work through these issues.  The training was a balance between urgency/sadness and hope.  I have hope that we can help make a difference and get her back on track.  All the kids in DHS are considered "special needs," but many of them are just behind in school due to not getting to go to school for various reasons, or just can't concentrate.  They gave us hope that the children WILL catch up when placed in a loving and supportive home and that we would be surprised how well they do in so little time.  I really like the workers at DHS because they are brutally honest yet hopeful too.  You can tell they really love the kids.  They, too, have that emotional balance between sadness and hope.

Everything we learned this week I pretty much already knew, from reading the adoption books Dawn gave me.  A couple things I did learn for the first time, though, were specific behaviors - how certain emotions or cultures are displayed.  For example, the foster/adoptive parents have a bed for the child and show them his/her own room.  The parents might tuck the child into bed and then return later, to find the child sleeping on the floor rather than in the bed.  It is just what the child is comfortable with.  We would think a child would be so happy to have a bed, but no!  That's just what they're used to.  Instead of taking things like that away, you work with the child to gradually transition him/her into other, new things, things that we all are used to, like sleeping in a bed!  There were many other behaviors, too.  It was good to get specific examples of how the kids will act out.  You think of the "normal temper tantrums" but not all these other behaviors.  It helps me to feel more prepared of what's coming and how to deal with it so I'm not caught off guard.  They talked about kids hoarding food/hiding it in their rooms because they're afraid they won't get to eat again soon.  The solution to that would be to put fresh fruit on a table that is on their level so they know that the food is always there for them.  It helps them to not take as much or try to hide it.  It gave me hope to know that DHS is knowledgeable (of course!  They work with the kids all the time!) and they can basically tell us how to solve a certain common issue.  They said we can call them anytime we need help.  Of course it is still going to be work, and the solutions won't work the first time.  It is a gradual process that takes consistency.  When I think of that, I believe that would apply to any child - even biological.  Different things work with different kids.  It will be a challenge, because growing up, for instance, we had to ask permission to have a snack.  That is just a light example... For those with biological kids already, it will be a challenge for them to try to treat all their kids the same yet not take away from what the biological kids are already used to (having to ask for a snack).  That would be so hard, especially with other serious issues.  This makes me glad we are adopting first!  :)

We did an activity about loss.  I am afraid that because we are young, that people might think we don't have the life experience to adopt.  I have been very fortunate in my life to not have a lot of tragedy; however, as I get older and look outside myself, I see more and more, and although it doesn't impact me directly, I feel more and more compassionate as I let myself; I could just turn away, but I refuse to do that when there are hurting people in the world.  I have had my share of losses that some might consider minor, but they were huge to me.  In our activity they talked about how separation is a breakup of a relationship, which LEADS to loss.  Loss is the withdrawal from that relationship.  Then, there is grief because of the loss.  And of course they went over the grieving process (some act out, some are in denial ("Mom is coming back to get me," so they don't take off their coat in the house, etc.) We had to draw stick figures of ourselves and put post-it notes all over the stick figure representing the things that are important to most people in life.  These are mine: Christ, Chad, Sisters, Mom & Dad, All Family, Good Health, Hobby (I put dance and couponing LoL), Oliver, Income/Savings, etc.  I can't remember all of them - These are the ones they told us to write.  Then one-by-one we had to take one off and make up a story of a loss that happened (ex. The economy...you lose your job).  Eventually nothing is left.  Church/Christ was the last one to be taken off, because once everything else was gone, you begin to question God (that was the teacher's example).  I thought that was very interesting.  Then, one-by-one we had to put back the three most important things.  Some people put back their income first, because without an income, you can't eat healthy/take care of yourself.  Some put family first.  Others put health -Get healthy THEN get a new job.  Very, very interesting.  Anyway, it was a good activity to see how these kids aren't just losing their mom and dad; they are losing their entire life and we are having to rebuild the entire thing together.  Through my posts I don't want to make light of anything the kids go through or seem that  in my excitement I'm forgetting that it will be hard.  But how many times can I say it will be hard?  I feel that any parent learning to parent for the first time it will be hard.  It's hard for parents who already have kids.  I don't want to make light of anything but also want to look at the postive side and be optimistic.  There is so much more I could summarize, but those are the basics.  :)  Next week (well, not this weekend because of Easter) will be more on attachment and bonding, even though we had a little bit of that this week too.

We are so excited for this week because we have our first home study (I say "first" because the other one was just a home assessment.  This one is our actual interview).  It is on Wednesday at 2:00.  Say a little prayer for us!  Thanks!!

Meg
    

The Beginning

Wellll...okay... The Baby Expo was an experience... I kinda knew we would feel out of place, but I guess I just thought I could overcome the uncomfortable feeling somehow, at some point in the day.  :)  Well, no.  It still didn't "feel" like we are really going to be parents soon.  I don't know when it will really set in.  My immediate response to the discomfort (mainly because I knew...well, thought, Chad was feeling uncomfortable) was to tell him, "Oooh, let's go look at clothes for our nieces and nephews!!"  I even felt guilty about that response, because I was thinking, "Okay, I need to start thinking about my own child too..." Well, it even feels funny typing those words!  My. Own. Child.  I will say I also felt a sense of joy and expectancy too, of course!  The joy was intermingled (is that a word?) in with confusion... Latch?  Hooks?  I don't know these car seat terms... I am totally confused about what the speaker had to say about discerning between what the owner's manual of each different car seat says, versus adding or not adding extra cushioning due to liability and safety, among many other things like the angle of baby's head, etc.  Oh well.  We will get to it when we get to it.  Chad still thinks it's silly to be thinking about car seats because he just knows we are getting a 3 year old.  Well, maybe, but 3 year olds need car seats too!  :)  We made the mistake of being brave and asking the Milk Bank representatives how to become a recipient of another mother's milk.  We did not know that the first two recipients are babies in ICU who maybe cannot see their mommies yet and... I can't remember the 2nd recipient?  We felt bad for asking.  :(  They said if there is enough left over, then they could certainly serve us as well.  They were nice about it, but I hope they know we weren't just trying to take...  We just simply didn't know.  I had never heard of the Milk Bank before.  I think it's a wonderful thing!  I think you just pay a processing fee, and the milk itself is free!  I guess that's not surprising to some people, but it was to me...
We had fun talking to the ladies in charge of OCU's KinderMusik.  It is a little music program for babies through 3 years old.  It sounds fun, but expensive... I totally believe in the benefits of music at an early age, though, so I would definitely look into it!  It was exciting to think about what activities we can take our daughter to and how much she will experience and learn.

Another thing we did was look into cloth diapers (if our daughter is still in diapers...and also for when we have a baby).  I know, I know... Seems like every new mom says she wants to do cloth and then once she discovers the time - the laundry - the mess, the stink, etc. she quickly thinks how in the world did I ever even consider this?  Well, you can judge me all you want and call me "typical" :) but we talked to the lady at one of OKC's stores (I forget the name of the store...), and they have new products out that make cloth diapers so much easier and less messy.  Chad also informed me of a diaper cleaning service he heard about (go Chad!  He knows more than me in this area?!) Unfortunately, we do not have one in OK.  Boo... Oh well.  It looked easy enough, and cloth diapers have come a loooong way!  No more safety pins!  Just snap and go!  And maybe pray for no blowouts...but I guess that happens with regular diapers too.

Overall I would say the expo was "okay."  There were not as many community resources as I had hoped.  It was more just clothing/things to buy.  A lot of it was natural stuff, which I loved... like "Mama-To-Be Tea" which I hope to have when I am pregnant.  :)  Fun stuff like that, which maybe isn't really "all-natural," but hey, at least it eases my mind that I'm being healthy, right?      

Onto our first training session: I was very encouraged to be in the same room with people working towards a common goal.  I am sure we may have differences of opinion as we study deeper topics, but it is so nice to have a support system and feel like you're not alone.  I was so humbled by the people there.  Most of them are doing what is called "Kinship," which I had never heard of.  These people have had children dropped in their laps by family members - even their own siblings.  So, they had the role of "fun aunt" or other relation and now have to have the role of the authority.  Many of them have several biological children.  It is amazing how these people have stepped out in faith, on one hand having no other choice, but on the other hand, could've either walked away and let someone else handle the situation or taken on the responsibility with a poor attitude.  Instead, they have embraced these kids and TEENS, trying to look at the positive side of things and work toward hopefully reunifying (spelling?) them with their birth parents.  Same thing with the foster parents that were there, except I had heard of fostering before.  :)  One 21 year old girl has been through the system herself and just met her brother, also in the system.  She is adopting her brother!!

I was literally amazed.  It was also nice to see a couple our age, only married 2 years, with no kids.  I felt a sense of peace, that we aren't crazy.  :)  Just because it will be tough doesn't mean we aren't capable or knowledgeable.  This is just one of my many doubts about myself... but I am trying to trust.

In this session we talked mainly about the importance of establishing, and in some situations, maintaining a relationship with the birth parents long-term- what that looks like, how to deal with certain situations, how to talk with them and respect them, etc.  It is very difficult to explain to others what that really means, but basically it seems like when you think of adoption (at least to me, it seemed like this...), you might think that we are just taking a child completely out of the parent's life.  I am not sure what it used to be like, but today it seems like it works a bit differently; we will probably have to maintain relationships with some members of her family (especially if she is on the older side of our prefered age-range, we will keep contact with the people in her life who are important to her - grandma, aunt, teachers, etc.)  That way she has some roots; she knows where she comes from, etc.  It is easy to say those things, but it will look different for every family and every child, so we'll just have to see how that plays out for our child.  Through reading and also through this session, we have also come to understand how to start looking at the birth parent's perspective.  It is VERY difficult, but it is a goal that we have to work toward.  It is going to be a growing process, learning what it really means to forgive.  And we can teach and model forgiveness to our daughter.  Honestly I am not sure how much we will be working with the birthparents, though, since the parents of the kids who are up for adoption have already consented to terminating their parental rights.  I still want to apply the knowledge in case we are faced with it, but right now DHS is kind of confusing me in that area because they talk A LOT about foster parents too.  :)  I don't know if I could ever be a foster parent... That would be so hard!  At least I know that's not right for us right now, because I have a feeling that the birthparent mightlook at us and say we are too young to know what we are talking about.  And I think they might be right.  Yes, giving us the child as a foster parent would definitely be difficult, but I don't know how I could handle working with the birthparents right now.  I definitely think I could grow to mentor them but not at this point in life. (That is another thing foster parents do that I didn't know about, but it makes sense, since they are trying to get them back in their own home...)  The "coupon lady" (I read her blog to do my coupon shopping) I think is finalizing her adoption for her foster daughter(s?) this or next month.  So that has been neat to have something else in common with her.  When you tell people you're adopting, it's crazy how many people say they are either adopted themselves or are adopting or know someone they want to connect with who is adopting!  Or an attorney you could use.  LoL

We are looking forward to next Saturday!!  I wish it was tomorrow!  We have a lot of reading and homework, but it is fun work (for me, at least!)  I told Chad, "Great.  Now I have double homework trying to get you to finish yours.")  Each homework sheet is only one page, but do you know how many hours one page takes him...?  Oh dear.  Here we go.  ::wink::

It is starting to feel real with each step we take.  The part I am the most nervous about is April 20 - our interview/home study.  I need to know the questions in advance, please!!  Thanks!!

Well, I guess this post is long enough.  Of course when we finally meet "her," I won't really be able to blog about specifics... We have to be very careful about confidentiality of course.  I even feel strange talking about the birthparents even though I'm not talking about anyone in particular.  I have read other adoption blogs though, and it seems like they do, so I'm just going off that but still trying to be careful.  Thanks for understanding!

Stay tuned to see if Chad does his homework.  :)

P.S. I want to start recycling.  I think the cloth diapers would help... plus that would help with not having to spend so much on diapers.  Since I have been couponing I have seen how much diapers cost!  WOW MOM!  Is it true that recycling really takes more energy and creates pollution?  That's what Chad says...

Side note: I almost got blown over by the Oklahoma wind the other day... carrying my beloved desktop computer in hand... across the street... to Staples.  $20 later we now have confirmed that she will only live for one more year and that we have a virus.  Yay.  Okay I know I sound sad, but actually I am happppyyy!!  New laptop for my music editing!!!  Yay!  Let's see if I can convince Chad.  :)